Friday, February 20, 2009

i'm afraid of commitment. i discovered this at convo this morning--when those who wanted to commit their lives to full-time missions were asked to stand. i have talked of my dream of going to africa-and using my nursing education for those less fortunate-but if saying yes to full-time missions was like signing to the armed forces-i'm not sure i could sign. this is my personality on a  lot of things. people ask me-are you doing this? will you commit to this? and i always answer with-i'm not sure. i wait until the last minute to decide things-so that i leave the door open for changes. maybe it's a trust issue. can i surrender control of my future to God? nursing in itself is a way of having security. i tell myself that no matter what happens-i will always have a good job-i will never want of anything. this isn't necessarily good-it gives me a reason to trust in my own abilities-rather than to be totally dependent on God. 

a friend said something today that made me think. it isn't the major that God uses-it's our heart-completely surrendered to His purposes. He isn't asking me to commit to 50 years of my life in Africa-He is asking me to be faithful. to trust. one step at a time--i don't need to have my life figured out. i just need to be willing to go anywhere-for the cause of Christ. and he will provide what i need for each step of the way.

i keep thinking that my future is faaar in the future. false. time has gone so fast-this semester is flying by-and before i know it, my freshman year will be finished. crazy-scary thought...

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